Bluebird

  I have had a lot on my mind this past week. I've really had a few tough days of struggling through some emotions and harsh realities. I can see that there are things changing in my life and it is quite a frightening reality. A series of events and decisions all seem to collide in one week of my life, and I guess I just don't know how to find the answers.  

I felt at a standstill on Sunday afternoon, (which has carried on throughout the week) where I just did not know where to go. I think it is a build up of the past year and a half of events in my life, and now I feel like I need to answer all these pending questions in the course of this week. I find myself trying to be as honest as possible with myself, asking questions with hard or truly ugly answers. A lot of it is boiling down to who are you called to be and what is being asked of you? In order to get there what needs to be done? 

I find myself frustrated as if I'm trying to untangle myself from my sheets as I do every morning to turn off my alarm, with confusion, aggression and blinded in the dark. I search for the answers to my dreams, but all I feel is that I am fighting my fears of how to get there. 

I am not a poet, a writer or a musician, but I find comfort in these elements of life. I came across this Video of Brittany Myer singing her song called "Bluebird".Also found on here at TWLOHA :http://herewecollide.com/ 

This song reminds me of the emotional struggles I still fight with myself, the those fears of vulnerability, I guess the key now is realizing how to over come those fears with my dreams. 

I Was Broken

  I decided that I wanted to start writing in my blog again. I haven't written in it in about two years, when I was traveling in South East Asia. However, to my frustration I just couldn't access and get back into my former blog, therefore I decided--just create a new one and well, here we are. I really don't know if anyone will actually read this, or even how long I will write diligently in this blog, but lets give it a try.

I wanted to begin with being a bit vulnerable, sharing myself.  I've realized over time that I am my biggest critic. I judge everything I do or don't do--and I have lived my life this way for a long time.  I am that person Charles Horton Cooley talks about in his sociological theory of the Looking Glass Self. This is where a person derives their image of themselves based on how they believe others see them. I have and had created my image based on I thought how others saw me. I have not allowed myself to participate in activities, dress a certain way, voice opinions in class, all for the fear of looking stupid, or sounding uneducated. I have rejected so much of life for not believing I was worthy or good enough.

Right now I'm in a better place, I can say that who I am today is a stronger, more confident woman. I have a lot of emotional scars, and I carry them with me. I won't hide my past, I won't hide who I once was, but that person is not who I am today.

My thought for today...will my self-confidence/image struggles impact my niece or future daughter? How will my negative words of myself influence women around me, mothers, daughters, sisters, cousins? Perhaps I need to choose better words to uplift myself. 

 

When I look at myself in the mirror I will say that I am beautiful, I am loved. I have learned to love myself for who I am right now, but I want to continue to grow, and become a better woman. 

My daily Mantra: 

·          Today, I set my own limitations. I decide what I am capable of, and

I constantly remind myself that I am capable of much more than I usually believe I am.

·          I will Change how I see, not how I look.

·          Today I will celebrate all that my body can do for me each day.

·          I deserve to be loved and I allow myself to be loved as I am.

·          Today I present my love, passion, talent and joy as a gift to the world.

·          Today I love my body fully, deeply and joyfully.

·         "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." – Plato

This song is amazing. I found it via To Write Love on Her Arms blog. It is by Marcus Foster and I think his voice is chilling. I cry when I hear this song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UI_pPEysgYQ